Widow

I lost my husband, my soulmate, my best friend, the father of my children 14 years ago to cancer. Even after losing twin daughters, my mother, my brother, all my grandparents I was ill-prepared for this crippling experience. Well-meaning friends and family say many things to widows and widowers in an attempt to offer comfort. I often tell new widows that if they survive the first year without strangling one of their well-meaning friends or relatives who claims to “know exactly” how they feel, says it was “God’s will”, or that our loved one is “in a better place”, etc., they will definitely survive this new life fate has thrust upon them. 

Then, of course, there are those who expect us to “get over it.” This type of loss isn’t something we “get over.” We evolve and grow stronger to survive grief so powerful it feels like a beast ripping our hearts from our breast. But we are forever changed.... Some will remarry, but even they remember their pain and grief on birthdays and anniversaries. This pain does not vanish. Time smooths the jagged edges, but nothing eliminates it.

Our new life is to learn how to cope with the pain of our loss, how to move forward without our partner we were supposed to share the rest of our lives beside, and to rediscover ourselves in the midst of all that.

We are forever changed, but we survive despite well-meaning friends and relatives whose words hurt rather than help. Please stop and think before you speak. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is fine and appreciated.

Love,

Widow of MSgt David Allen Stover

1955-2005

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