Widow

I lost my husband, my soulmate, my best friend, the father of my children 14 years ago to cancer. Even after losing twin daughters, my mother, my brother, all my grandparents I was ill-prepared for this crippling experience. Well-meaning friends and family say many things to widows and widowers in an attempt to offer comfort. I often tell new widows that if they survive the first year without strangling one of their well-meaning friends or relatives who claims to “know exactly” how they feel, says it was “God’s will”, or that our loved one is “in a better place”, etc., they will definitely survive this new life fate has thrust upon them. 

Then, of course, there are those who expect us to “get over it.” This type of loss isn’t something we “get over.” We evolve and grow stronger to survive grief so powerful it feels like a beast ripping our hearts from our breast. But we are forever changed.... Some will remarry, but even they remember their pain and grief on birthdays and anniversaries. This pain does not vanish. Time smooths the jagged edges, but nothing eliminates it.

Our new life is to learn how to cope with the pain of our loss, how to move forward without our partner we were supposed to share the rest of our lives beside, and to rediscover ourselves in the midst of all that.

We are forever changed, but we survive despite well-meaning friends and relatives whose words hurt rather than help. Please stop and think before you speak. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is fine and appreciated.

Love,

Widow of MSgt David Allen Stover

1955-2005

https://debstover.com/dave.htmlhttps://debstover.com/dave.html

Memories

Last week, April 15th, was my birthday. It was also the 5th anniversary of the day my late husband and I learned his cancer was terminal. However, it was his birthday, six days later, that was the hardest day of my life. It was his 50th--what he called the 33rd anniversary of his 18th birthday--and I knew the entire time I prepared his favorite cherry crisp and decorated his hospital room, that it would be his very last birthday. Family came, friends sent cards and balloon bouquets. We were together, and the memories still bring tears, but they also bring the joy of almost 30 years together.

One thing I've learned over the last five years is that it's impossible to feel joy unless you also accept the pain. Memories come both ways, and to enjoy the happy ones, we have to welcome the ones that bring tears as well.

Next month, on May 22nd, the family will gather again to celebrate our granddaughter's very first birthday. Somehow, I suspect Dave will be giving Annabella a thumbs-up, and find some way to teach her some kind of mischief....

Love,
Deb



April 21st, 2005

Friends & Life Lessons

If there's one thing I have learned during this decade of loss, it's that life is too short to carry grudges. Friends are a very important part of our lives, but not as important as family. When we have a falling out with close friends, if we're the party who was in the wrong, all we can do is apologize and ask forgiveness. If the other party isn't willing to forgive, we have to accept that and get on with our lives. It's sad when this happens--yes, it's happened to me--but, as my late husband always said, "It isn't the worst thing that ever happened to me."

My advice for today? Forgiveness is a Good Thing. Embrace it.

Happy Reading!

Love,
Deb