Widow

I lost my husband, my soulmate, my best friend, the father of my children 14 years ago to cancer. Even after losing twin daughters, my mother, my brother, all my grandparents I was ill-prepared for this crippling experience. Well-meaning friends and family say many things to widows and widowers in an attempt to offer comfort. I often tell new widows that if they survive the first year without strangling one of their well-meaning friends or relatives who claims to “know exactly” how they feel, says it was “God’s will”, or that our loved one is “in a better place”, etc., they will definitely survive this new life fate has thrust upon them. 

Then, of course, there are those who expect us to “get over it.” This type of loss isn’t something we “get over.” We evolve and grow stronger to survive grief so powerful it feels like a beast ripping our hearts from our breast. But we are forever changed.... Some will remarry, but even they remember their pain and grief on birthdays and anniversaries. This pain does not vanish. Time smooths the jagged edges, but nothing eliminates it.

Our new life is to learn how to cope with the pain of our loss, how to move forward without our partner we were supposed to share the rest of our lives beside, and to rediscover ourselves in the midst of all that.

We are forever changed, but we survive despite well-meaning friends and relatives whose words hurt rather than help. Please stop and think before you speak. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is fine and appreciated.

Love,

Widow of MSgt David Allen Stover

1955-2005

https://debstover.com/dave.htmlhttps://debstover.com/dave.html

Dear Mr. President

I am the widow of a US Veteran, the single mother of a disabled child, and a critically acclaimed--ahem--starving romance writer.  I live on a very limited income, and many months we barely make ends meet.

However, I beg you, please do not extend our tax break if it means the wealthiest Americans will also get theirs.  Please, let us pay our fair share so they will pay theirs, too.  America needs the money.  We need the money to keep schools open, to pay teachers, to provide food and shelter and health care to those who have none.  We need to take care of our Veterans who have given their all for our country.

Please...do not give us a tax break.  Not if it means the Buffets and Trumps of this world also get one.  Make them pay their fair share.


Thank you, Mr. President.


Sincerely,
Deb Stover

Mother, Grandmother, and...
MSgt David Allen Stover's widow

Memories

Last week, April 15th, was my birthday. It was also the 5th anniversary of the day my late husband and I learned his cancer was terminal. However, it was his birthday, six days later, that was the hardest day of my life. It was his 50th--what he called the 33rd anniversary of his 18th birthday--and I knew the entire time I prepared his favorite cherry crisp and decorated his hospital room, that it would be his very last birthday. Family came, friends sent cards and balloon bouquets. We were together, and the memories still bring tears, but they also bring the joy of almost 30 years together.

One thing I've learned over the last five years is that it's impossible to feel joy unless you also accept the pain. Memories come both ways, and to enjoy the happy ones, we have to welcome the ones that bring tears as well.

Next month, on May 22nd, the family will gather again to celebrate our granddaughter's very first birthday. Somehow, I suspect Dave will be giving Annabella a thumbs-up, and find some way to teach her some kind of mischief....

Love,
Deb



April 21st, 2005

Thanksgiving

I am thankful this and every year for my family and their continued good health. This year I give special thanks for the birth of my first granddaughter, Annabella Debra Carr.

I am thankful for good, loyal friends who have stood at my side these past years as I've mourned the death of my husband, Dave.

I am thankful to have met Marty, my wonderful gentleman friend who is a brilliant photographer and gardener.

I am thankful that my Muse has finally risen from the ashes and again allows me to fulfill my role as storyteller, and that The Gift is finally in print and available to my readers.

Finally, I am ever-so-thankful for my dear, loyal readers. What would a writer be without readers? And vice-versa...? Since all writers are readers--and I do wish I knew who first said "scratch a writer, find a reader"--I proudly wear both hats.

Books, stories, worlds beyond the one in which we live. Escape. There are no boundaries. No limits. Only our imaginations and the written word. All entertainment depends on writers--on storytellers.

Let us all remember next time we go to a movie, watch television, read a novel, a story, or even see a commercial, that a writer somewhere had to put words together to make the moment possible.

And give thanks for the miracle of Story.

Readers and Writers. We make quite a pair. Don't we?

Have a safe, joyous, healthful, and fulfilling Thanksgiving.

And happy reading!

Love,
Deb

The Circle of Life

My birth daughter and I have both noticed the resemblance between her newborn daughter and her late father. However, the older Bella gets, the stronger the resemblance becomes. I scanned a baby photo I have of him and one I took of my granddaughter yesterday and put them side by side. It's true! She definitely looks like her Grandpa!

We will be even more blessed if Annabella also inherits his sense of humor and big heart. :)

Happy reading!

~Deb

Impending Granny-dom

So many of you are such prolific bloggers, and I've discovered I am not. While I used to write four 100,000 + books a year, now I struggle to write one, but I am a very stubborn woman and I will finish The Gift.

My oldest daughter, Barbi, married her Prince Charming, Nathan, on December 2nd, 2006. It was a bittersweet day for our family, as her father--my Prince Charming--died from cancer in May 2005. He was definitely there in spirit, though. We were so fortunate to have both her grandfathers there to walk her down the aisle--one on each arm. Of course, a Colorado Rocky Mountain December wedding is never complete without a blizzard, so Mother Nature accommodated us there, too. :)

And now my little Barbi--okay, so she'll be 27 on Christmas Eve--is going to be a mommy in May. That means I'll become a grandma for the first time. I'm very excited about this prospect, and--as you can imagine--pretty emotional as well. She and I both first thought of her father, and what a wonderful grandpa he would have made. He would have been so well suited to this role in life. I'm sure, wherever his spirit is, he's looking down on his oldest child with his infectious grin and a thumbs-up. :)

Happy reading, all. And I really am trying to finish this long delayed book. Meanwhile, I have a story in the new anthology, Enchantment Place, released by DAW in August 2008.

Love,
Deb